I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
