Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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