My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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