I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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