I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
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If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
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We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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