I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's never too late to be topless.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Liz is crying about burritos again.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I supernannyed him into submission
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
