3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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