Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
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We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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