I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Quick, to the slutcave!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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