i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
