i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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