Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
