I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
