remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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