I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
