Don't make out with my wife yet
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
