he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
