Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
