i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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