And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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