You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
