How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
