hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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