So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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