in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
