the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
