Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
