I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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