Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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