Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
