Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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