mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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