dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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