My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
