soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize