I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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