I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
