just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
