He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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