she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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