Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
