dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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