You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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