1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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