you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
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Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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