Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
