trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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