Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
