Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
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Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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