I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
