Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's shark week go big or go home
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
