you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it glows. i had to have it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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