Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
