He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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